Fate Furor Incarnatum
by Catasros
Summary: What if Shiro didn't summon Saber? What if Shiro didn't summon a Saber at all. In short, what if all contenders summoned different servants all together into a Fifth Grail War where everything goes banana-nut-butters? Normally this wouldn't happen. But when a planned wish force this world to twist inside-out, who knows what'll happen?
1. Standby, Hitsuzen

**Author's Note: This is the first time I write fanfiction, not only in the FSN fandom, but the first time at all. So feel free to go nuts (within reasonable limits of course). Also, there will very likely be some kind of spoilers of the original content, just a heads up. All that said, let's go!**

**Edit: This chapter is more of a prologue consisting of a small crossover. If you wish to skip directly to the "real" content, go to next chapter directly, you won't miss anything relevant.**

**Prologue: Standby, Hitsuzen**

A brunette walks down the streets of Tokyo. She stops and looks down at a small note with an address. She had long lost count of how many times she'd done that during the day, but if she could find her way it'd be worth the hours she'd been walking by now. She did however refuse the help she had been offered by the family of her Instructor friend. She would find her way on her own. Mostly because her friends would drag her home if they knew what she was up to. She sighed, and headed off in the direction she hoped was correct. Another good hour was spent wandering around, but eventually she was there. She honestly wondered how she'd been able to miss the house, having walked by several times. It was, after all, not a normal house. It looked Western compared to the other houses, but it was simply too weird to be a real Western house. The magic boarder that seemed to run along the fence didn't help. The brunette corrected her toy raccoon-ears (a Christmas-gift from a Red-haired friend with a funny hair-do) and opened the gate.

Just as she was about to open the door to the odd house, it was opened from inside. Two small girls, one with light-pink hair and a white dress and one with light-blue hair and a black dress smiled in the doorway (every fiber in her wanted to hug them and never let go, but she had to focus at the task at hand. The future depended on it.) and greeted her in perfect unison. "Welcome! The Mistress has been expecting you." The brunette smiled as she let them guide her through the hallway. They led her into a big room thick with smoke. A beautiful woman who looked like she was made out of noodles sat in a big couch. She wore a dress with a truly unique design. The brunette had never seen anything like it, and she had seen many things during the barely 20 years in life. The noodle-woman held a pipe in her hand, which no doubt was guilty of all the smoke in the room. Beside her stood a young man that probably just a few years younger than herself. He wore glasses and had mismatched eyes. He seemed to possess magic abilities, but they felt like they had a weird seal that suppressed them. Whatever.

"Welcome to my shop my dear. What can I do for you?" The brunette was brought back to reality with a crash when the noodle-woman spoke to her. "Thank you very much ma'am, would this happen to be the shop that grants wishes?" Not the intro she had intended. In fact, it was plainly awful. The noodle-woman, however, simply smiled. "Indeed. This is the place where people come and have their deepest desires fulfilled. And since you are here, you have one, don't you?" It felt like she was peering into the brunette's very soul. This did not scare her however. You'd have to do a lot worse than that to scare this girl. Like befriending her. But all that was of no interest right now. She was close. So close to fulfilling a year-long dream. She just had to form the words and speak it.

"I wish for you to make this anime exiting! That you turn it into something new that has never been seen before!" She spoke the words, and it felt like a multi-ton led-weight was lifted from her heart. To further emphasize her point, she showed the noodle-woman a DVD-case.

The image to the case, and with it the anime in question was showing four characters: in the upper-left corner was a dark-skinned man with white hair, wearing a tight leather outfit and some useless pieces of red cloth. Next to him was a fair-skinned girl with dark hair wearing a red shirt and a black mini-skirt and held three rubies as if they were grenades. Below her was a red-head boy in a silly shirt and that was the only thing standing out about him. At the center was a blonde girl in a strange combo of an ornate blue dress and steel armor, wielding a golden sword.

The noodle-woman looked at the case for a minute, and then up at the brunette again. You say you want me to make it exiting…Just what is "exiting" to you then?" The brunette didn't think long. "Something new, something no one has seen before in a way anyone could think of and get through with it." The noodle-woman smiled wickedly. Anyone else would've backed out, there and then, for it was not a sane smile. But the brunette took it as a good sign. So she might not be all there either. The Noodle-woman spoke again. "I understand your wish, and I will make it true. " She reached for a small metal-plate on the table and gave it to the brunette. "Take this. From it you can see the madness you now will unleash live, at any point you want. Now for the payment…" The brunette winced slightly, took a deep breath and said. "Keep the DVD…It…It is a first edition…It should be enough, right?" The noodle-woman looked over the DVD-case again, and nodded. "This is enough. Rejoice, for starting tonight, an all new reality will be yours to enjoy."

The brunette left the shop, tightly clenching the metal-plate. While noting that she had to make a quick-stop to replace the now-missing DVD so no one would notice, she could not wait to get back, and the night to fall, so she could enjoy the all-new world that up 'till this point only had existed in her dreams. The world that now would become true.


	2. Achievements and Nobles

**Author's Note: Hello everyone! This is where the story actually enters FSN territory. Last chaper was about to people that isn't from the Nasu-verse at all, a digital cookie to the one that can figure out who they were! Canon story will be respected to a certain degree. When I feel like it. Slightly unstable Fourth Wall in this story, so get used to it~**

Achievements and Nobles

Illyasviel von Einsbern was not in what you would call a good mood. In fact, it was downright foul. And then again, who could blame her? The Fifth Heaven's Feel, the Fifth Holy Grail War was two entire months away (give or take a week or two) and still that jerk who called himself Family Head wanted her to summon her Servant already. She could be reading a book right now! A book she statistically already had read ten or twenty times already, but still! She could be playing chess with a family maid about now! She'd probably win AGAIN and chess quickly turned dull when you always won because none in the von Einsbern Family wanted to waste energy and materials on making a homunculus specialized in chess, but still! She could be playing piano or violin right now! Sure, she'd tear the eardrums of anyone in a full mile radius to shreds since she couldn't play instruments even if her life depended on it, but still! A lot of things, nay, everything was better than summoning a Servant! And worse still, the old geezer who had her do it wasn't even here yet!

Jubstacheit von Einsbern, the over two hundred year old family head was a complex being. Well not so much a "being" as a "person". He wasn't really complex either. Someone once told him that his entire existence could be boiled down to the phrase "Achievement". Sure, said someone didn't live to see the sunset, but he was right none the less. Jubstak- no Jubstachi- no Jubstar…F-k it, let's call him Jubby. Jubby von Einsbern never did anything unless he could get a sense of achievement out of whatever it was he had done or would do. This was, after all, the only reason he wanted the von Einsbern family to win the Holy Grail War. 'Cause what greater achievement is there then being able to say something along the lines of: "_I have led my family to victory in a war involving Seven lethal Magi and Seven great Legends of History competing for a manmade artifact named after an unwashed cup!" _? Jubby couldn't think of one, at least not until one of the rare visitors that wasn't from an age-old Mage Family told him about video-games and how many of them now included an Achievement System. Faster than one could say _Uncontrollable Obsession_ Jubby had gotten the Castle electric power, Internet, computers and a guy to explain to the unnumbered amount of mages with little to no previous technological experience how all the new stuff worked. After Jubby got the hang of it, he barely left his room. He had, however, become known on the Internet as the best Achievement-gainer there is.

Now back to Illyasviel. 'Cause our story totally didn't run wild in the wrong direction. And the author clearly didn't lose track of his train of thoughts. So let's carry on. This is not a suspiciously specific denial. Back to Illyasviel.

As earlier stated, Illyasviel didn't really want this, but she had nothing to say about it, so she didn't bother to complain at the moment. After all, with any luck she could _enforce _her will ever so slightly if she played her cards right. The servant she was expected to Summon was the best known Hero of Ancient Greece, Heracles. 'Cause calling him Hercules was for pussies and Romans. She was also expected to summon him as a Berserker. Never mind that it'd rob him of nearly all his Noble Phantasms which could cause a near game-breaker. After all, Berserkers were over-all stronger than most classes, so fuck Game-breaking. Has it been said that Illyasviel was in a bad mood? She was, because unlike the rest of her family, she was nearly normal. Nearly.

After the Family Head finally had dragged himself away from his games and bothered to attend, Illyasviel von Einsbern started her Summoning. The circle was made, the slab of stone that vaguely resembled a sword-axe-like thing was at the centre to act as a catalyst. Now all she had to do was perform the chant. Which will not be written here, because it is a pain. Illyasviel managed to pull it off vocally very well though. Somehow.

The Circle at the centre of the room lit up, the massive dark hall was in an instant drenched in Light (which revealed that it was in desperate need of a thorough cleaning) and small arcs of lightning and tiny flames littered the room. Then, it all went crazy. The entire castle shook like it was hit by an extremely local earthquake. The very fabric of reality warped and folded, as the slab at the centre of the circle vanished in a crack in the very fabric of reality (and was dropped through the roof of a small farmhouse in Australia. It would become repurposed as a dinner table later on.) and was replaced with a massive bloodied blade. It all occurred during a brief moment, then the summoning was complete, just like that.

What the self-important people of the von Einsbern family had EXPECTED was a seven-or-so feet tall giant of a man with unreal muscle, long tangled black hair and bronze skin. What they got was a woman. Only there it was obvious something was totally off. She was of average length, not too short and not too tall. She had fair skin and beautiful eyes. Her outfit however, revealed that she was from a person from the part indeed. She wore a massive dress with many elaborate ornaments and her hair was made equally elaborate with a slightly silly hat to complete the set. She did, however, have an air of nobility, the one thing that didn't stand out. In fact, her presence was even more noble-y then the gathered nobles together.

Her shining eyes was fixed at Illyasviel von Einsbern as she asked the words all the gathered idiotic, foolish, self-important- I mean gathered highly respected noble-mages had waited to hear: _"I ask you this: Are you my Master?"_ Illyasviel von Einsbern was now in a slightly less vile mood.

**Omake:**

Catasros: Hi all!This is an omake-section, in case the title didn't explain that! The next few chapters WILL have this. Why? 'Cause here I will talk with the Servant from the canon story wich failed to appear in my story. So this time, the first one, I will waste your time with Heracles! Hi Heracles, how do you do?!

Heracles: Hello crazy little author. I'm very fine, thank you very much.

Catasros: . . . Heeeey...how come you talk?

Heracles: Why, it is because I no longer am under the effect of Mad Enhancement of course. What, did you thing I always went around screaming like a lunatic? Besides, Greece is well-known for democracy and Philosophy, being well-spoken is in my blood!

Catasros: I...see...Either way, what would you say about your replacement?

Heracles: As long as she protects Illya, I am content.

Catasros: Not wiining the war?

Heracles: No, because since Illya isn't even accounted in the character-names in the story description, so she has lost from the very start.

Catasros: ...Damn, you're too smart. Better end this before you have the entire plot figured out.

Heracles: I'm pretty sure the isn't a proper plot yet.

Catasros: Ok, I'm cutting it off here. Thank you for coming Heracles, and thank you Ladies, Gentlemen and Others for taking time to read this, I hope you'll still be around next time!

Heracles: Hopefully it will be better then the somewhat unusual author makes it seem.


	3. Snowstorms and Slip-ups

**Author's Note: I seem to have forgotten this earlier, so I do it now: **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fate/ Stay Night, obviously.**

**Edit: Bazett's half of the chapter has been redone. To better fit my writingstyle, the story now moves a bit more into the "Adventure" category, rather then "Humor". Sorry if you dislike this, but I'm not fully satisfied with the way I did the first chapters, and the over-all quality may improve now. Hope you'll keep enjoying this!**

Snowstorms and Slip-ups

Illyasviel von Einsbern did not like the cold. This is ironic since she lived in a place where it snowed all the time. At least according to the local tourist information, which was scarce to find indeed and the odd sneak-photos that had been taken by intruders- nonono, I mean taken by uninvited houseguests that then had managed to leave the area undetected and thus alive- I mean unscathed . And since it, according to the trivia that was to be found, snowed all the time it was also cold outside all the time.

So Illyasviel didn't go out if she could help it. But now she was out, and she was out because she couldn't help it. She wasn't out alone though, her Servant was with her. Berserker. You wouldn't think of her as a Berserker when you met her though, in fact the only thing that revealed that she was a heroic spirit at all was the horribly out-of-fashion dress, hairstyle and hat she wore. It was as if she had lived 220 or so years ago.

Berserker hadn't told her name yet, when asked she instantly went on to talk about extraordinary clothes, unbelievable parties, amazing artwork and opinions about politics and philosophy that apparently was as old and out-of-date as her taste of fashion. From the long monologues she held of her favorite things in life, Illyasviel couldn't help but wonder even more who her servant was.

The reason for this, apart from the strategic value in knowing the powers of her servant and boring shit like that, which the very few people in the von Einsbern family who actually cared about the Holy Grail Wars considered so important, was that she had told her personal maids, Sella and Leysritt, to make a rough estimation of how much the things her servant boasted about having possessed in life may have costed, and the rough, more-or-less-but-hopefully-less-accurate-because-i t-is-so-huge-it-is-silly-sum they had reached simply blew Illyasviel's mind.

If everyone of Berserker's social class had spent this much, it would be enough when counted together to send the economy of an entire country to ruins! Just who was this woman!? You'd think a person spending this much would be well known! "Then again" Illyasviel thought as she stood with her servant who once again had gone into monologue about her clothes and what-not. "Maybe I'm just not thinking in the right direction. Maybe she-"

Before Illyasviel could let her train of thoughts reach station with a conclusion, it was sent off the rails by the sound of howling wolves, a little too close to comfort. They had probably been howling for quite some time too, how could she possibly have missed it? Then her train of thoughts derailed once again, when she turned her head slightly to the right and saw her hopefully loyal Servant still ranting, and got an answer to at least one question. And while she wouldn't mind scolding Berserker for not paying attention to her surroundings, staying alive long enough to do it was slightly higher on her list or priorities. "Berserker", she began, "could you please stop talking and deal with these-"

Once again she was interrupted though, when a wolf pounced at Berserker. Why it picked Berserker first and not Illyasviel like normal wolves would do was anyone's guess though. Maybe it didn't like the dress, or possibly it disliked the out-of-date opinions. But pounced it did and tore a good portion of Berserker's dress to shreds. Then a lot of stuff happened very fast. First Berserker said something incomprehensible, possibly in a different language. Then she slapped the wolf, eyes glowing red. Then all of the sudden the entire wolf pack had been slapped to death or fled. Few of them had been able to get away though. Illyasviel's mind tried to process these turns of events as Illyasviel herself found herself in the arms of her Servant, who seemed to sing a lullaby in a foreign language. Illyasviel tried to get a hang of what had happened, but inevitably failed, and settled for stop trying to fight the sleepiness and indeed, fell asleep. Berserker on her hand smiled and the red color disappeared from her eyes.

[Roughly Two Months Later, Somewhere in Fuyuki City]

Bazett Fraga McRemitz was what you in a standard shounen-manga would call strong. She had to be, of course, since she was an enforcer of the Mage's Association it kind of came with the job. In addition to that she hailed from an old family of Magi, so she was expected to be good from the get-go, and her body-build became the icing on the cake. It was therefore not a surprise when she was became chosen as a Participant in the Fifth Holy Grail War. That it was supported by the Association was not entirely surprising either. I mean, an artifact that could grant any wish, what would you expect from a bunch of greedy geezers- I mean such well-educated gentlemen.

This was the reason she now was in Fuyuki, or to be more precise, an overly large manor in Fuyuki. The reason for this was that the Gee- Gentlemen from the Association thought that as their unlucky sou- choosen member, Bazett should stay in a place befitting her position. Bazett herself had preferred a small, cozy room in Fuyuki City Hyatt Hotel or something, but whatever. No risk of someone walking in on her summoning at least, there was an uncountable amount of sizeable rooms to choose from.

The room she had chosen was indeed big, and for good reason. After all, the house wasn't hers, and if it was damaged she may have to pay, and there was no way she'd be able to afford that. In a bigger room, there was less risk to cause unwanted and untold damage after all.

Bazett'd lie if anyone asked if she was nerous and she replied "No". After all, she was about to summon a Heroic Spirit, and even if she didn't summon the one she hoped for, Cú Chulainn, it'd still be an amazing character. Being amazing in any way was a requirement for Heroic Spirits after all. Therefore it was with a certain nervous tremble she drew the circle. However Bazett wasn't alone in the room. With her was also Kirei Kotomine. He was the local priest and mediator of the Fifth Holy Grail War, as well as a man Bazett trusted quite the lot, even if his eyes seemed a bit empty. He had offered to be there to help if needed during her Summoning, and Bazett had accepted gratefully. This was the reason he now stood in a corner of the dimly lit room.

_"Ye first, O silver, O iron.  
O stone of the foundation, O Archduke of the Contract.  
Hear me in the name of our great teacher, the Archmagus Schweinorg.  
Let the descending winds be as a wall." _

Bazett began the Summoning. Her heart was pounding with anticipation.

_"Let the gates in all directions be shut, rising above the crown, and let the three-forked roads to the Kingdom revolve.  
Shut. Shut. Shut. Shut. Shut.  
Five perfections for each repetition.  
And now, let the filled sigils be annihilated in my stead!"_

Kirei Kotomine watched in silence, with lips that curved ever so slightly that it nearly resembled a smile. anyone who had spent any time with him would know otherwise though. Bazett was elsewhere occupied anyway.

_"Set.  
Let thy body rest under my dominion, let my fate rest in thy blade.  
If thou submitteth to the call of the Holy Grail, and if thou wilt obey this mind, this reason, then thou shalt respond.  
I make my oath here."_

The Cirlce had started to glow now and a gentle wind started to blow.

_"I am that person who is become the virtue of all Heaven.  
I am that person who is covered with the evil of all Hades.  
Thou seven heavens, clad in a trinity of words,  
come past thy restraining rings, and be thou the hands that protect the balance!"_

Light. The room, for it's great size, was consumed in Light. The before so gentle wind was now roaring through the room, flinging objects all over. The noise of the wind filled Bazett's ears and she couldn't see a thing from the Light. It took nearly a full minute before she could see again and her ears worked again. In the centre of the circle stood a tall man. He was dressed in Simple, elegant clothes and had white hair reaching his shoulders. In his hand was a long, black spear. It would appear that she had managed to summon a Lancer, only not the Lancer she wanted. Ah, no matter. _"I ask you."_ His voice was coarse, but a certain class. This was no average Johnny. _"Are you My Master?" _Bazett's voice seemed to be stuck in her throat, so all she could manage was a nod. The man seemed pleased though.

It was then a soft shuffle was heard. It was Kotomine who finally moved again, Bazett had nearly, no, she had forgotten about him. She turned, with a growing smile on her face. Then, a flash. Movement. All of the sudden, Lancer was in front of her, holding his spear with one hand to block a blow that had come against her. For some reason though, Kirei Kotomine was on the attacking end, holding one of his Black Keys. Bazett's brain couldn't quite keep up. Neither, apperently, could Kotomine. And then Lancer spoke. _"Get out of this house. You taint the Clothes you wear. "_ It was just two sentences, but it was enough. Lancer's voice and gaze said enough. They promised pain unfathomable if Kotomine stayed any longer. Therefore, Kotomine left. It started as a stumbling shuffle backwards, but soon he ran out of the house- sorry, manor. Lancer turned to Bazett and kneeled. _"What is your command, Master?"_ Despite the coarse quality, a certain softness could be heard in his voice. Bazett's reply was a sound that probably was meant to be "I need to sit down a bit, excuse me." It was hard to tell though, since her legs gave way, followed by fainting. But what can you expect, it had been a trying day.

* * *

**Omake:**

Catasros: And another Master has preformed the Summoning. Thus, a new Servant who was removed joins me in this Omake. Today, it is Cú Chulainn! Welcome!

Cú: ...Why am I here?

Catasros: Because you are not in the story, so you get to show up here instead. Obviously.

Cú: I don't **want** to appear. You will ruin my character!

Catasros: Rude. Whatever, what do you think about your replacement!?

Cú: He'll do. Can't be as good as I, but he'll do. More importantly, just what is this crap? What are you up to?

Catasros: Well, I woke up one morning after having read quite the lot of fanfiction the night before, and thought "Why is it that everytime someone writes about the Fifth Grail War in a different way, Shiro still summon the same Saber, or at least a Saber? So I thought about what kind of servant he'd get if it wasn't a Saber of King/Queen Arthur/ Arturia. Not in a serious manner though, since I enjoy fanfictions with a healthy dose of humor. Then I tought of Rin in a similiar situation, and from there it simply snowballed.

Cú: I see. So that is why you took it to yourself to horribly mutilate the original story. By the way, why do I feel like we already have done this?

Catasros: *Knocks Cú unconscious* Ooops, we're out of time! See you all in the next chapter!


End file.
